


Spice Handler

by zombiehop



Category: Ratchet & Clank
Genre: Funny, Humor, Nefarious is a puny tin can who cannot tolerate spice hehe, Qwark is beast who can do anything, Ratchet and clank watch with fear and amusement, Silly thing i came up with in a few minutes, a while back, he is a god, humorous short story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27768229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombiehop/pseuds/zombiehop
Summary: Captain Qwark's EPIC adventure in spice and hot foods! Watch as CAPTAIN QWARK astonishes restaurant goers with his amazing spice handling skills! Dazzle in the skill, the power! Oh and Ratchet, Clank and Nefarious are there too...
Kudos: 6





	Spice Handler

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello i guess this is gonna be my first story haha! well here's a silly one i made, (and actually finished hoohoo) it's just a dumb little short fic. Hopefully you'll get a laugh out of it lol, i know i did!
> 
> also sorry if it just kinda ends, this is just what i came up with.

It was an average bright day in the bustling Metropolis, and even more bustling was the crowd at the local Spice Shack, an eatery that served only the spiciest foods in the galaxy. Only the bravest and most steel-stomached citizens could withstand their menu items.

So of course, that meant galactic hero and celebrity (though probably more of the latter), Captain Qwark, insisted on eating there that day to prove just how mighty and heroic he was. And of course that meant towing along his, at least in his eyes, "less famous" and "slightly less heroic" friends Ratchet and Clank.

...And the newly reformed Dr. Nefarious, who he absolutely insisted on bringing along, apparently to "impress" with his.... "spice handling skills". Ratchet, as he said, didn't have the courage to tell him Nefarious probably wouldn't enjoy such a sight, but Clank knew it was because he'd think the robot's reactions were funny. So was the antics of their mismatched "friend" group.

And now here they are, the three, two heroes and an anti-hero (at least that's what they felt good enough calling the doctor for now) sitting circular around the muscular, green-clad hero... as he chomps away at spicy hot wings. And it is certainly as.... "pleasing" of a sight as it sounds.

Red sauce leaked down his face and onto his neck, and tiny bits of meat splattered everywhere as he munched and crunched through the mouth burning chicken. All the while the others had a cocktail of expressions ranging from horrified, to astonished, to just plain grossed out. Qwark didn't seem to notice one bit, even when they commented to each other about it.

"How does he do that? Like- this is unhealthy right?" Ratchet asked no one in particular, to which Clank responded,

"I am surprised he has not been effected by any of the spices yet."

"But I mean I expected him to react to the spice a little!" Ratchet seemed bewildered at the hero's ability to ingest such a thing.

The wildly eating man looked up briefly from his messy meal to smile with a meat filled grin at Nefarious.

"You shee thish Nefarioush?" He said with slurred words, "Thish takesh raw manpower! What do you shink?"

The skeletal robot merely stared at him with bland, disapproving eyes, before turning and muttering quietly, "Pure, unadulterated, squishiness." He glanced at Qwark eating again. "It's disgusting."

But Qwark didn't appear to hear him over his loud chewing, eventually stopping as finished the plate. He appeared rather proud of himself after he finished his current batch, tossing the platter aside where it landed on a pile of already eaten foods, all of which seemed to range from curry, to more chicken wings, to spicy chili.

He wiped his face with a napkin and puffed his chest out.

"Now THAT was delicious!" He proclaimed with his loud, pride-filled voice. "Enrique!" He called over the bar table he leaned against, and over came a short, hairy creature with a purplish rug.

"..Yes, captain?" His tone was wobbly and certainly didn't match his appearance, as he cleaned a glass and stood with saggy eyes, waiting for the man to order yet another incredibly hot dish.

"Give me your next hottest meal!" Qwark commanded with gusto. The smaller man sighed deeply, and turned around to tell the cook what to make. But a gloved hand was held up in front of him before he could leave completely.

"Wait.." Qwark's voice became serious, as he looked up to the menu on a holoscreen above him. The foods to order were listed from the least spiciest to the most, and up next would have been spicy tacos with exotic salsa, but now the celebrity hero was thinking something even greater. Spicier. The hottest thing he could imagine!

"Enrique..." His voice was deep and low as he looked at the small waiter again, who's face had become a tad frightened at his intensity.

"Order me the Reaper Peppers." The small guy nearly collapsed at what he said, and he stuttered to respond.

"The.. R-Reaper Peppers?" Qwark nodded enthusiastically, but noticed a hand on his shoulder.

"Qwark.." Ratchet whispered to him, standing on his stool to reach his height. "Those are seriously spicy peppers. I'm pretty sure people have died from eating them."

"I once read of someone who spontaneously combusted." Clank added in with an insightful finger in the air.

Nefarious of course stayed silent. Why would he try to stop Qwark's possible demise? That'd be a pretty funny way for him to go! Of course spontaneously combusting might be pretty.. gross, to say the least, so maybe it would be better if they stopped him actually.

However, they were unsuccessful, as no matter how concerned they looked or what they said, Qwark ordered the peppers anyway, and Enrique quietly turned to request them, multiple "Are you sure?"s coming back from the kitchen, before he shakily put the platter down at Qwark's place. And while Ratchet and Clank cringed at the food, a plate of eerily purple peppers that seemed to be sizzling even though they weren't cooked, Qwark didn't waste even a second in starting on them. And to their shock, it.... didn't actually do anything to him. Like, nothing at all. As if he was eating a bag of potato chips, he crunched through them with ease.

"Mm, tangy!" He commented between bites. At this point the waiter decided he'd had enough and just left out the back door, leaving the rest of the four alone together.

While Qwark seemed content finishing his meal, and Ratchet and Clank seemed to be trying to ignore the offputting display, Nefarious stared at him with disdain and disgust.

"Look at this repulsive act. Squishies are truly horrible creatures!" He folded his arms and looked away. "Now you see why I stopped eating." At this, Qwark froze. He looked at Nefarious with shock.

"What?" The robot asked.

"You don't eat!?" Qwark gasped.

"Uh...no, I just said-"

"How can you not eat?? Eating is the best!"

"Well how can YOU eat? It's awful!"

"Oh no..." Ratchet murmured, realizing an argument was likely about to come on by the two. Instead they both fell silent in a cold glare. And then, Qwark smirked.

"Well, you're missing out Nefarious, I guess there's more for me then." He grinned mischievously. "You're probably just scared of the spice."

"SCARED? OF A MEASILY FRUIT LIKE THAT? HA!" He laughed with ego. "I bet I could eat that entire platter and not feel anything!"

Qwark's expression changed to that of one of challenge. "Oh rrreeally?" He eyed him. Then picked one up and put it in his face. "Try one! I wanna see what happens!" His voice sounded innocent and truly curious, and the robot he handed it to seemed to be growing in confidence as well. But not before Ratchet could warn him.

"Nefarious, wait-" He reached forward, and the robot glanced at him. "Reaper Peppers are seriously not be messed with. Qwark is- I don't even know.. but are you sure you wanna do this?"

Nefarious seemed to very briefly consider it, then scoffed loudly with a maniacal laugh. "You poor squishies don't even understand!" He leaned back against the bar and crossed his legs in a fancy way. "Lucky for me, I'm an ARTIFICIAL lifeform, which means I have no weaknesses!" Ratchet suddenly didn't feel very concerned for him anymore, and simply waved him off.

"Whatever." He said flatly, but kept an eye open to watch what happened.

Nefarious turned back to Qwark and stood up, then swiped the pepper from his (much to the robot's brief dismay) greasy hand.

"Now if there will BE no more further interruptions, watch THIS!" Tossing the entire pepper into his mouth, stem and all, he crunched it up in his jaw and promptly swallowed it, putting his hands on his hips and standing proudly before them.

And for a brief moment, it looked like he'd been completely right.

Until he snapped his eyes open dramatically, and somehow, fire came spewing from his mouth as he leaned forward and screamed horribly.

"Nefarious!?" Qwark asked in alarm as the robot doubled over and fell to his knees, shrieking and gasping for air. "Are you okay-"

He was cut off by Nefarious lunging forward and gripping his suit hard, looking at him with tiny pupils and oil streaming from his eyes.

"QWARK! WHAT'S HAPPENING!? ROBOTS CAN'T DETECT SPICE!" Not knowing what to do, Qwark grabbed the menu stand for the item and looked at it. Underneath it's title in small text, it read:

"So spicy, even robots can feel it!"

At this, Qwark seemed pleasantly amused. "Hey, you're in luck Nefarious, you can feel these ones! How crazy is that?" Nefarious didn't seemed amused at all though, his face donning a look of pure horror, as he abruptly left Qwark's body to bumrush a waitress who was lifting a gallon of milk. Pushing her to the ground violently, he took the entire carton and chugged it in seconds.

"AUGH! THIS IS AWFUL! HOW IS IT NOT EFFECTING YOU!?!?"

Qwark seemed perplexed but happy. "I'm not sure! I guess I'm just special that way." He said as he popped another pepper in his mouth and chewed it cheerfully, while Nefarious only looked as if he were about to puke.

Later on, the poor robot was left crouched on the floor, his arms wrapped around his abdomen and moaning in pain.

"Agh... my servos..."

Behind him, Clank and Ratchet looked on at his suffering.

"I have a hunch he is going to be feeling that later." Clank stressed.

"Something's telling me he's feeling it right now." Ratchet chuckled.

Nefarious fell over on his side and whimpered.

"Never.. again...." He cried.


End file.
